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Growin' Our Own (page 3)

0013 hrs. Operation Golden Flow

By: General Lee Doofy

A Failure to Study, Part 2 - The Driver

(Fiction- no living intelligent individuals are represented in this writing!)

Welcome back soldiers and soldierettes. I am pleased to see that we do not have any wash outs.

It should not be necessary to rehash the misadventures of Anna. I would hope that all of you have retained what you have learned from that lecture. You must remember that it will not be our army that will test you. It will be the army of the enemy, so listen up.

I have a few comments about pot smoking, driving, piss testing and the form. Then we will take an in depth look at the situation Major Mal's driver found himself in.

As you know from last month's class, the drivers of over the road trucks are now required by federal law to submit to random urinalysis. Whether this is a breach of our fourth amendment rights or not isn't the issue here. What all of you should be concerned about, at this time, is the inequity of the test and your ability to pass it.

For those of you that have not seen one of the forms I will try to give you a brief overview. The top heading reads. FEDERAL DRUG TESTING CUSTODY AND CONTROL FORM

Major Mal Function's forms are sent to him from Drug Free, Inc. a government certified laboratory. The forms are numbered and coded to his unit. When the computer pulls one of Major Mal's drivers for a test the driver takes the form along with him to a certified local clinic where the specimen is collected (where the driver is required to piss in the cup). The local clinic then sends the sample in to Drug Free, Inc. for analysis.

I realize that some of this was covered last month under The Nurse. Please, for your own sake stay attentive. The driver represents an entirely new angle. In the hospital's case, the reasoning for drug tests is in part to protect the hospital from the theft of their drugs. A wise decision in some cases, but not where marijuana is concerned.

On The Form

D. Reason for Test:
Random
Reasonable Suspicion/Cause
Return to Duty
Other (specify)__________

E. Drug Tests to be Performed:
THC & COC Only
Other (specify)__________

Step 2: COMPLETED BY COLLECTOR: Read specimen temperature within 4 minutes. Is temperature between 90 and 100F? no.........
Enter Remark__________
Observed (Enter remark) -- (This means did they watch you piss into the cup!)

Step 5a: PRIMARY SPECIMEN TEST RESULTS - COMPLETED BY PRIMARY LABORATORY Positive for: Codeine  Adulterated
Cocaine Metabolite  Methamphetamine  Substituted
PCP  Invalid

That should give you some idea of what you are up against. You, as a marijuana smoker, are grouped together with most other drug abusers known to man.

This brings me to what really pisses me off. A driver or an airline pilot can spend all evening knocking down screwdrivers, whiskey sevens, brewskis, or any other alcohol mixture until he or she becomes intoxicated to the point of unconsciousness. A mere eight hours later the individual may, if he or she can shake himself or herself to consciousness, fill up with coffee (caffeine) and crawl to the controls.

If that individual were to be tested for alcohol under the current criteria it would not show up. Alcohol leaves the blood stream in short order. The biggest problem on the highways today is drunken driving.

This is the way it is. You can have a hangover the size of Texas and drive. It doesn't matter that you can barely hold your head up or see straight. It cannot be proven by a test that you were drunk. The only way that you are caught is in the act by field sobriety, breathalyzer, or blood test if you are drunk at the time of the accident.

I am not picking on the drinkers. I like to slam down a few myself; when I know that I am not doing the driving.

Here is where the inequity lies. If I smoke a couple of pinners or doobies, depending on the size of my stash, and down a couple of brews two weeks prior to a random drug test, the marijuana will be detected. The alcohol won't be detected. A couple of drinks when not driving doesn't make me a functioning alcoholic. A couple of joints when not driving doesn't make me a drug addict.

I was over at The Wheel (a local watering hole) prior to this lecture talking with a few drivers about the piss test. Yes, it is a damned lecture, but listen up. We are at war. War ain't pretty. War never was pretty and never will be!

A pinner and a couple of brews brought us to this conclusion. Some of us guys, as preadolescents, were told that jacking off would cause hair to grow on our palms. To say that smoking pot two weeks or two days prior to driving will make you an unsafe driver makes as much sense as looking for hair on your palms. You would only be an unsafe driver if you smoked pot two days ago, jacked off last night, and are scrutinizing your palms for hair while you should be looking at the road.

The way it Went:

Major Mal was kicking back with his feet on his desk leafing through a motorcycle magazine. It was a hot August afternoon. There were a couple of months of good motorcycle riding weather ahead and his trucks were all on the road; which meant positive cash flow. The situation with Anna's piss test had been resolved and she was now gainfully employed and reasonably happy. Life didn't get much better for Mal.

The ringing phone brought Mal's feet from the desk and prompted him to pick up the receiver. One loud beep signaled an incoming fax. Mal watched with disdain as the off white plastic box began to hum and click. The machine seemed to spit the paper at him. The words Drug Free appeared first followed by the drivers name, Ken Worth. He mumbled to himself, "What the fuck. It is always something."

Mal looked at the calendar and the schedule. It was Thursday and Ken was scheduled on the road until Friday. He would schedule Ken into the clinic on Monday morning. That at least was a little luck. It gave Ken four days to get his shit together to pass the test.

Mal picked up the phone and dialed the cell phone in the truck Ken was driving. "Ken, this is Mal. Where are you and when will you be in?"

"I am about three hundred miles and four stops out. I will be in on schedule; sometime tomorrow afternoon."

"Ken, Drug Free has pulled your number. I am going to schedule you into the clinic, at their first available appointment on Monday. That gives you four days. You should be able to pass the piss test with that amount of lead in time. I will see you tomorrow afternoon."

"Ah Fuck, yeah thanks Mal."

Mal was sitting at his desk on Friday afternoon pricing an aftermarket speedometer for his 1961 Duo Glide when he heard Ken pull into the lot. He marked the page and laid the motorcycle magazine down as Ken came through the door. "How's it going Ken?"

"Not too bad. I got a full load on that truck."

"Okay, we will put it into tank two. Are you going to be able to pass the piss test on Monday?"

"Yeah, no sweat. Mind if I take off ? Kenny junior will be home from school in an hour and Joely has an appointment with her obstetrician. The baby is due sometime in November and she is getting nervous."

"No problem. Be in on time Monday morning and pick up the piss test paperwork."

It was Monday morning at eight thirty. Mal was impatiently waiting for Ken. The appointment was scheduled for nine a-m. Mal picked up the phone and called Ken's place. Ken's tired voice answered the phone on the fourth ring. "Damn it Ken you had better wake up. You are running late."

"Yeah, I'm on my way."

At ten minutes until nine Ken was standing beside Mal's desk with the piss test paperwork in his hand and sleep in his eyes. "Are you sure you are going to be okay on this piss test?"

"Yeah. I've got it covered."

"Check back with me after the test and let me know how it went."

Ken walked up to Mal's desk that afternoon. "Did the piss test go okay?"

"I think so."

"What do you mean you think so?"

"I couldn't piss much so they were suspicious."

"What do you mean they were suspicious?"

"I bought some of that stuff that you pour into the cup and mix with your piss. It is supposed to mask marijuana use. I poured it into the cup but then when I went to piss on it I could only dribble. I tried as hard as I could but I just couldn't go."

"Why were they suspicious?"

"I don't know. Maybe it was because when I turned the sample in to them it looked more green than yellow."

"Why did it look green?"

"Damned if I know."

"Ah Christ, let's just go back to work. We will find out soon enough."

About a week had passed and Mal had all but forgotten about Ken's piss test. Mal answered the ringing phone. "Midnight Express."

"Is Mr. Ken Worth available?"

"One minute, he's out in the shop. I'll go get him."

Mal stuck his head into the shop. "Ken you're wanted on the phone."

Mal turned back to his desk as Ken picked up the shop phone. Several minutes latter Ken walked into Mal's office. "Mal pick up your extension this guy wants to talk to you."

"This is Mal."

"Mal this is doctor Brauer with Drug Free. I just finished analyzing a submitted urine sample from your driver, Ken Worth."

"So?"

"I have informed Mr. Worth that I feel that his urine sample was adulterated."

"What did Ken have to say about it?"

"He asked me if I found the presence of any drugs. I told him no drugs were detected."

"I see. What do you expect me to do?"

"I don't know. I just thought it best that I inform you."

"Thank you. I will keep it in mind."

If you are still awake, I will explain to you what actually happened.

It was August 2001 when Ken was randomly pulled for the piss test. At that time the forms that were used did not have blocks on the form for diluted, substituted, or rejected.

Those blocks are on the new forms that were sent out later in 2001; this left the Dr. with a dilemma. He could not put a check in the positive box: no marijuana was detected. There was no mechanism available for the Dr. to properly notify the federal department of transportation of his suspicions. The doctor's only alternative was to notify Ken and Mal.

You can think of that form and those days as the good old days. New forms were distributed in September 2001. They are the forms described to you earlier in this lesson.

They remedied that problem just in time to pull Ken in for another test.

The test started the way they always do. It was early October when the fax machine spit out the words Drug Free and the name Ken Worth. Major Mal was left wondering about the randomness of the computer selection process. He employs seven drivers who are listed with the Drug Free computer. Ken Worth had been pulled for the test again.

Mal notified Ken, gave him as much lead in time as possible, crossed his fingers, and waited for test day.

"Ken are you going to be able to pass the test without any problems?"

"Yeah, no sweat."

"I've heard that before."

Ken left, paperwork in hand, for his ten o'clock appointment at the clinic.

The door to Mal's office swung open at eleven forty five and Ken rushed in.

"What's the problem Ken?"

"I'm having some trouble with the piss test."

"Fuck! What kind of trouble?"

"Before I left home I heated a small bottle, full of clean piss, in the microwave. I placed the bottle in my armpit. I stopped here at the office picked up the paper work and then went onto the clinic. When I got inside the piss collection room; I removed the bottle of clean piss from my armpit and poured it into the sample collection container. The problem started with a small thermometer mounted on the side of the sample collection container. The damn thermometer didn't register the piss as being warm enough. When I saw that it wasn't warm enough I pissed on the outside of the container. That didn't work either. The piss started to cloud the thermometer."

"Where did you get the clean piss?"

"I got it from Kenny junior. He is in the fourth grade and the schools are hammering those kids with D.A.R.E.- drug abuse resistance education. He thinks that I am piss testing him, to show him how those things work."

"Jesus fuckin' Christ! What are you doing here?"

"When I turned the sample in the nurse told me to have a seat. After conferring with another nurse, she came over and told me to stay put. She said that the sample was too cold and that she was going to have me retest. She said Barney would be observing me as I gave my next sample. There is a large mirror in the piss sample collection room where Barney - who ever the fuck Barney is - can watch over your shoulder while you piss. I sat and waited for quite awhile. The nurses left for lunch, so I made my break."

"What do you intend to do now?"

"If you'll spot me thirty dollars, I'll go to that store down town that sells hippie stuff and pick up one of those adulteration kits that has to be ingested. I can drink the stuff and be back over at the clinic by one o'clock."

"Here's the thirty dollars. You had better get moving."

The phone rang at twelve thirty. Mal answered, "Midnight Express."

An efficient sounding female voice inquired. "Is this Major Mal Function?"

"Yes."

"Major, this is nurse Sweeny from the Benevolent Heart Clinic. One of your drivers, Mr. Ken Worth came in this morning. He was supposed to submit a urine sample for a Federal Department of Transportation random urinalysis. There was a problem with the first sample he gave me, so I instructed him to wait and told him we would collect a sample from him under observation."

"So, why are you calling me?"

"Mr. Worth has left the clinic. It is against protocol to leave the clinic during the test."

"I don't know anything about it. If no one was around he might possibly have left for lunch. Did you leave him sitting there and go for lunch, nurse Sweeny?"

"What I did has no bearing on the situation. It is against protocol for him to leave during the test."

"Nurse Sweeny I do not have anything to do with this procedure, other than sending my drivers in to your clinic when the Drug Free computer pulls their name. I am sure that you will do what you feel is right in this situation and that I will be advised of the outcome. Thank you for advising me of the situation."

"Have a nice day, Major."

Mal hung up the phone knowing that he was not having and wasn't going to have a nice day. A couple of hours later Ken walked into Mal's office.

"How did it go? Did they let you retest?"

"Okay, I guess. I drank the stuff from the hippie place. I don't know if it had enough time to work. There was only one hour between when I drank it, and when I had to give them the sample. The directions say that it takes two hours to work. They were waiting for me when I walked back in. The Barney guy hustled me right into the collection room. I don't know if he was worried about watching me piss, or wanting a look at my dick. He is a real jerk."

"What did you expect from some kind of glorified restroom attendant? You might as well go back to work. I have an overnight run scheduled for you starting tomorrow. We will know about the test results soon enough."

In the case of a failed test, Drug Free makes it a point to notify the employee, the employer, and of course the Federal Department of Transportation sooner rather than later. It came as no surprise to Mal to be notified within ten days that Ken had tested Marijuana Metabolite.

I assure you that you won't want to miss the conclusion to 'Operation Golden Flow'. Please be in attendance next month for......... Counseling

Class Dismissed

Smoke it if ya got it........Grow it if ya need it

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